Reality is that thing that makes you mortal. Makes you realize you are not invincible. Makes you have fear and learn to overcome it. Makes you expose things you are not necessarily proud of.
Reality hit as I was flying home on Sunday, I sensed a nervous twitch in my stomach as we took off. 
Something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I had fallen asleep before taking off and tried my best to pretend I was still sleeping. Tried my best to make it not look my hands were clenched. I was actually afraid. The ground was getting farther away.
As a kid, I was afraid to fly. I want to blame it on the fact that my sister told me while flying over the Atlantic that if we crashed, sharks would eat us. Older and wiser, I now understand that I wouldn’t need to worry about sharks, the crash itself would probably kill me. It left an impression nonetheless. She was the older sister and it was her duty to antagonize the younger, impressionable, little sister. Regardless, I still love her.
Then, I then went through a phase where flying no longer bothered me. It was exciting. Turbulence put me to sleep.
Once I reached college, the fear re-emerged. I was convinced during a flight back from Maui I would not survive. Every few minutes, the shaking would lead to a drop. We’d level off and then drop again. The cold and unforgiving Pacific Ocean was not that far below. Even if the turbulence didn’t kill us, my anxiety very well could. Based on what I learned in flight attendant training and my own knowledge, no plane has ever crashed from turbulence. It was an irrational fear. Luckily, few years of fear every time I flew went away.
I questioned what was I so afraid of? Not being able to live out my life should there be an accident? I would simply say to myself after sitting in my seat, I have no control over what happens. What’s meant to be is meant to be. It seemed to work.
Even though it’s not the first reason I did it, taking a job as a flight attendant was one way to conquer it. Hundreds of flights a year in all kinds of weather and circumstances, you better not be afraid. And I wasn’t. I felt completely in control.
Thinking about it, the times in my life where I feel the most fear – be it flying, being alone, taking chances, adventure – are the times where I feel the most anxious. Could feeling out of control correlate?
In a previous entry I discussed that maybe my pursuit of happiness is making me more unhappy. I needed to approach this whole idea of happiness differently. I think I may have found another facet. Control. I am not feeling in control of my life and am becoming afraid of things that I should not. How and when will it return?
Small steps.
Now that I am not working and making my own income, I am having to rely on someone else’s. I have struggled with this even though I know I am fully supported. At first, it felt scary. I was no longer in charge of my finances. I would need to make decisions based on what is best for the both of us. I admit it means letting go of the independence I once had and learning to become interdependent. Shock to my system. I felt guilty. I wanted to make sure I disclosed every single thing I spent money on and would be sure to be as frugal as I possibly could. I would be a good girl and he would be proud of me. I started feeling like I was losing control to no one’s fault but my own. No one was taking it from me. I was taking it from myself.
Very slowly, it has gotten a little easier. After the feelings I had on the plane I knew something was seriously wrong. It has to be corrected. Feeling shook up and at a loss of what to do. There has to be something I could take back.
Realizing that I may not be able to run the marathon in October if I cannot get my ankle back to running shape, and knowing my fear of spending money on something like sports recovery is something I will feel guilty for, I decided to do it anyway. I was walking back home. Instead of going upstairs, I walked across the alley to the newly opened sports recovery center and signed up. I was proud of a tiny victory. I decided to not ask permission because it was somrthing I really wanted and needed to do.
I am going through the pain of the process that will hopefully lead me back to running sooner rather than later. I even let the chiropractor stick a bunch of needles in my leg and foot to speed up recovery. Called dry needling. Epic fear of needles, but I did it. The results are promising. Best my ankle has felt all summer. Taking control of something I was letting get out of control.
I recall conversations with passengers who would come back to the galley during the flight. Some were really afraid. I would talk to them about my theory of why people are afraid to fly. Unlike a car where you can see out the front window and you know you have the power to make decisions on where to go and how to avoid an accident, you don’t get that power in a plane. All you really can do is put faith in the mechanics and ability of the pilots to get passengers from destination to destination safely. Talking it through seemed to help them. Not surprisingly, it gave me a sense of control.
What to do now? That is up to me. Feeling overwhelmed in trying to figure out happiness and now control of my life, I may need a little guidance. I need to keep pushing myself to do things I fear. Making and reaching out to friends. Social situations. Taking a shower and not letting the inevitability of my head’s decision to shed hairs bother me. Lately, these have been the biggest struggle for me. I find myself wanting to run and hide unsure of who I am to others.
A little Buddha graces my computer screen every time I log on. 
I downloaded it from a site called Tiny Buddha. He tells me “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” He is right. I read it everyday and yet nothing has changed. I tell myself I’m too busy to work on this, even though it is the most important thing I can do right now.
To do. As soon as I feel like I’ve lost control.
1. Offer to help others.
2. Look at the event as a not so gentle reminder. Be grateful for the people who matter…including yourself.
3. Respect and accept the strength of forces larger than yourself.
4. Appreciate twists in the adventure.
5. Consider how it helps you grow.
6. Be proud of yourself.
looking without striving 